That was exhausting!
We knew those guys would have a lot to say as the men of JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette sat down to Tell All, but we weren’t expecting to feel like we were watching an episode of Jerry Springer.
90% of the night was devoted to Chad, who is just incredibly skilled at being both the best and the worst person in the room at all times. There’s no doubt that he’s horrible, but are most of the other guys from this season all that much better than he is?
They certainly think they are, and once again they banded together against their greatest enemy on national television. In the end, nobody came out looking all that great, but we did get some great moments out of it.
“I’m pretty sure we should probably not do that both in dress shoes. We’re both going to fall down, either way it’s just going to look stupid. We’ll deal with this later.” –Chad, after one of the guys (whose name we have genuinely forgotten/never knew) took off his jacket and challenged him to a rumble.
“Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.” –Chad, throwing down with Derek.
“I never said what I’d do. Maybe I’ll show up to his house and bring him some candies!” –Chad, defending his comments to Jordan about showing up to his house.
“Can you go back one more time? I was shaking the guy’s hand! Does his body move? His body doesn’t move! One more time?” –Evan, asking for more replay of that infamous push/torn shirt moment with Chad. (Evan totally pushed him.)
“I will be the first to admit that we kind of Lord of the Flies’d you Piggy’d you, and we definitely went after you.” –Wells to Chad, making a very apt literary comparison.
Chad also claimed that he had cozied up to the ex-girlfriends of multiple guys on the show. Jordan’s ex apparently told him that Jordan just wanted to be famous, and Robby apparently threatened his ex if she spoke publicly about their relationship….according to Chad, who pursued everyone else’s exes in an effort to show the women that not all reality stars are jerks. There are a lot of problems with that logic, but whatever, Chad.
Elsewhere, Chase and Luke continued their quiet campaigns to become the next Bachelor. Luke in particular is primed and ready to take on the task after he stole hearts all over the country with his whole speech about how he was just waiting for the perfect moment to say I Love You.
Chase just wanted an explanation for having been let go after getting the fantasy suite card, but he didn’t want JoJo to feel guilty. “You taught me a lot,” he told her, which is just such a positive sentiment that’s perfect for the next Bachelor!
It almost seemed as if Chad was about to put everything aside as he wished JoJo the best of luck, and then he felt it was the right time to throw in something about how Robby broke up with his girlfriend to join the show.
JoJo was not having it, but instead of tearing him down like we would have loved to see, she stayed classy with it.
“He loves the attention, and we’re giving to him, so he’s not even worth my breath,” she declared, to a standing ovation from the rest of the guys.
And finally, before some bloopers and a tear-filled look at next week’s finale, we got Vinny…and Vinny’s mom. Vinny’s mom stood up from the audience to explain how her son was the best and JoJo should have picked him, and we felt so awkward about it that we didn’t listen to anything else she said. Vinny was clapping and cheering, but we kind of wonder if he was secretly thinking, “oh my god, sit down Mom!”
And with that, another bunch of men told all, and we felt really gross about it. There’s just one question that remains now: Will JoJo pick Jordan or Robby? Sound off in the comments!
The Bachelorette finale airs next Monday at 8 p.m. on ABC.