The Bachelor Recap: Meet the Jojos
Let’s not pretend: Jojo’s family saved this hometown episode. Nothing else took off, production-wise: not Jojo’s ex letter, not Caila’s teary talks, not (somehow?!?) Ben and Lauren’s Portland date sitting side by side on a sofa, staring in the same direction in silence, and not Amanda’s new-daddy test run. Thank heaven for the Jojos. But before we get to them:
How many times will I have to say this?: Amanda’s “shirt”
Now I’ve had just about enough of this off-the-shoulder nonsense. This isn’t even an actual item of clothing. Those aren’t sleeves, they’re large bracelets. Unless Amanda has just come from surviving a fire in the costume closet of a high school drama department, there is no excuse for this look.
“Keep Portland weird” award: Lauren B. and Ben
Because you know what actually is a weird sight in Portland? Mainstream white people with highlights and head-to-toe J.Crew feeding each other grilled cheese, loudly.
Most worrisome: Caila
I’m just a little worried Caila doesn’t know the difference between the real world and the land of make believe. Part of me believes that she is right now waiting for Ben in their blue-roofed plastic house, wondering where he is and seething as the Fischer-Price hot dogs, french fries and empty cups she slaved over get cold.
Worst day of work: The folks on the line at Caila’s Daddy’s Toys Incorporated
Clap for my daughter. Louder! This counts as your break today.
Best member of the Jojos, third runner-up: This brother
I’m the brother in the red shirt and I run the show. Just look at my expressive hands. I am the swashbuckling George to my brother’s ineffective, shawl-collared Jeb.
Best member of the Jojos, second runner-up: This brother
I’m the bro who’s in charge of hanging by the cabinets, bro. Other bro, you need me? … No?… OK I’ll hang by the cabinets.
Best member of the Jojos, first runner-up: Dad
Or, as you may know me, “Uncle Gino from the short-lived Guess Who, Mafia Edition?” My mustache is from the five and dime.
Best member of the Jojos, grand prize winner: Mom
What’s that, Gino? Put down the bottle because the cameras can see? This is my white house and it’s bigger than the White House so I’ll do what I want, thanks.
Best “forget about my family” dress: Jojo
What brothers? I don’t have any brothers.
Most likely to fit in in Manitowoc County: Caila
Like virtually everyone who was ever interviewed in Making a Murderer, Caila smiles inappropriately into the camera when very sad things are being discussed.
Least reasonable request: Amanda, Becca, and various others
Everybody’s mad this year when they get sent home at a rose ceremony. I understand it sucks, but it’s the central concept of the show you signed yourselves up for. If everybody gets secretly sent home outside of the ceremonies, there will be no ceremonies, and where does that leave Chris Harrison and dozens of red roses? Underemployed and unemployed respectively, that’s where. And that’s not happening in America, not on President Donald Trump’s watch. So suck it up and suck it in, girls—long live on-camera rejections.
Photos: Courtesy of ABC