The Bachelor: Mexico-livia
What was in the (surely bottled and self-brought) water these girls were drinking in Mexico? Jubilee’s face was one long Les Miserables audition. Olivia has almost fully morphed into a Basic Instinct sequel. And Emily… actually, I just want to know what mascara Emily was wearing in her big crying scene. Like nearly every Republican trying to be president, it took a massive beating, but didn’t budge. Now for some more award-worthy behavior…
Most unnecessary enthusiastic display: This
It’s just a bed, and you have to share it. Calm down.
Creepiest stunt: Ben’s wake-up call
I know that Ben has white teeth and endless clean henleys, but does that really make the idea of him busting into your hotel room, assessing what you look like sleeping and then hassling you awake any less disturbing? If a stranger did this to you, would you pop out of bed like a jack-in-the-box and give him a big hug?
Maybe she’s not born with it: Amanda
Amanda (the shy little churchmouse who hides behind a curtain of hair and subsists solely on nibbles of her Urban Decay eyeshadow palette) isn’t perturbed to see Ben at 4:30 a.m., because she’s already made up a la Kristen Wiig in the first scene of Bridesmaids. Like, really made up, as in Completely Contoured at Dawn: the Shy Little Churchmouse Amanda Story.
Saddest tragedy: The mass shearing of everyone’s tops
Did you know Amanda’s shirt was born a turtleneck? Sure, off-the-shoulder tops are always huge on The Bachelor. But this year is different. This year’s crop of girls seem to think that you’re never fully dressed, though you may wear the best, you’re never fully dressed with. Out. A. Strange floppy half-shawl that sags down to your elbows like a sexy fat frown!
Just, enough: Ben’s airborne dates
I’ve been holding off on commenting about Ben’s neverending string of airplanes and helicopters, but now that he’s taken someone into the air in a woven basket, I can stay silent no longer. Does this man get groundsick? Does he find it easier to convincingly smile at refrains of “I’m like, nervous”/”I’m sort of nervous”/”You make me nervous” at higher altitudes? If it’s the latter, I get it. And now I know where Chris Harrison was this whole episode: out scouting blimps, or, rather, researching blimps for his next novel, On the Blimps of Love.
Literal opposite of “fat guy in a little coat”: JoJo in Ben’s blazer
In 1996, when I was 12, I tried to be Bob Dole for Halloween by wearing a broomstick across my shoulders and draping a blazer over it. It looked like this, and why, yes, I was a big hit at the party.
Best celebratory schtick: Olivia
After Olivia got the group date rose, she dug into a kebob, marking the first time anyone has ever eaten on this show. It was all very empowering until she hurled the stick onto the floor, burst into tears, and wailed that kiwi always goes straight to her toes.
Most awkward entrance: This poor guy
Oh hello, I’m the designer… of all the stuff you guys were just making fun of.
Suspiciously into it: Ben
Lauren H. is terrified to walk down the fashion show runway since the only walking she does is taking her kids out to recess (I guess she uses a Jazzy scooter the rest of the day). Ben’s like, I know, I’m scared too but we’re in it together and if you think about it, love is like a resort line NOW OUT OF MY WAY I WAS BORN FOR THIS.
Thorniest debate: Olivia’s rose status
Should Ben take back Olivia’s rose? Can Ben take back Olivia’s rose? It’s never happened before, and as the Supreme Court is in bed already, we have no choice but to shut it down for tonight. To be continued!
Photos: Courtesy of ABC