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The Bachelor: Bay of Pigs

By / Published on Tuesday, 09 Feb 2016 12:17 PM / No Comments / 228 views

After no doubt consulting his loving parents, the Constitution, and Jesus Christ himself, Ben determined that he could not, would not strip Olivia of her rose. Instead, he sent home Boobs Brown Hair, and the tone was set for a claws-out trip to the Bahamas.

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Best confrontation chameleon: Olivia
When Ben takes Olivia aside to ask her about the general consensus that she’s a sociopath, her persona turns on a dime. Her real voice—the one that will return moments later to cough “come at me, bro” with all the clarity of someone mid-oatmeal—disappears. In its place: the sound of a tiny princess trapped inside a bottle. Then she pads her resume of aggressive-aggression with some impressive passive-aggression. “These girls like painting their nails… I like reading books in my room, and thinking,” Olivia tells Ben. “And I want to talk smart things.” I’ll just leave that last part there.

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Truth speaker: Becca
When Becca says “I have no idea what’s going to happen,” I deeply believe that she’s referring not only to the Olivia situation but also to global warming and how online shopping works and every second of her life, day and night, forever.

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Battiest Saved By the Bell extra: Caila
Just when I want to commend Caila for her seemingly thoughtful rejection of the “There’s something I need to share with you—once I knew someone whose dog died” strategy, it becomes clear that there’s a sparkly Wheel of Fortune disc spinning in her head, telling her what to say. First she offers that she loves Ben, then she tells him that she’s worried she’ll dump him. And she’s right to be worried, since once she gets home to her TV, she’ll likely again pick out a stranger to leave her boyfriend for. It being election season and all, my money’s on Jake Muir.

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Greatest timing: Olivia Pope in this pop-up Scandal promo
Psst. I’ll be back in three days to remind you that women can be more than this. In the meantime, I plan to find whoever spread crocheted outfits through this group like the Zika virus—I’ve counted ten crocheted bikinis, twelve crocheted halter tops and, curiously, one crocheted shorts romper—and slap his 8×10 headshot up on the board. Quinn, where are we? Love, Olivia Pope.

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Best hustle in the Bahamas: These pigs
The guys on the beach muttering “Jet ski? Jet ski?” have nothing on these pigs, who gave up on their banana boat ride business one day and were like f— it, we’re adorable after two daiquiris, let’s make Americans feel like them bringing us free hot dogs is their gain.

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The “Smile, honey” award: Ben
“Can you make the most of this with me today?” Ben whines to Leah. “This girl I’m really into, I need you to stay that girl,” he tells Amanda. Sorry to be the bearer of misogynistic parallels, but—just so everyone knows—there’s not a huge difference between the guy on the street telling random girls to cheer up and Ben demanding that everybody remain in a peppy mood. Don’t be fooled by what I assume is a three-paragraph Bible verse tattooed on his oblique.

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Most mysterious: Leah
You know when you play Clue but you’ve lost half the game pieces, so the ending is a total surprise? It came out of nowhere, but the savage hit on Lauren B.’s credibility was, shockingly, perpetrated by Lavender Leah, with the chardonnay/raging insecurity, in the open-air tense conversation lounge.

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Loudest body language: Olivia and Emily
See now, I’d never be this openly standoffish. You never know when your hair tie’s going to break and you’ll have to ask your enemy for her spare. Plus, at this degree of physical bitchiness, your seatbelt is effectively rendered useless.

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Worst time not to have your phone: Now
You thought it was excruciating waiting for your friend to come back from the bathroom without checking Facebook? Try sitting 30 feet from someone else’s date while a sandstorm batters your face.

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Worst time not to have your phone, revised: Now
I stand corrected: It’s this. It’s definitely this.

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Vocab word of the day: “Validate”
Everyone wants to be validated by Ben. Everyone wants to validate Ben. Everyone is keeping track of whom Ben has validated and vice-validation-versa. Sorry, Olivia, but the on-set English tutor has done her job, and now everybody talk smart things.

Photos: Courtesy of ABC

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