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9 Rumors I'd Like to Start After Watching The Bachelor "Women Tell All"

By / Published on Tuesday, 08 Mar 2016 13:07 PM / No Comments / 162 views

Chris Harrison kicked off The Bachelor‘s “Women Tell All” special by saying something like, “When there’s 28 women in a home, there’s bound to be drama!” But there wasn’t. There really wasn’t. Which is why I feel compelled to spice things up by spreading the following gossip about the group.

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Jami regrets not showcasing her boobs more during her time on the season. When you assume, you make an ass out of you, me, and Chris Harrison. But based on the fact that Jami framed her chest in very low-cut yellow CAUTION tape, I feel pretty good about putting this out there.

Chris Harrison frequently confuses the terms “party bus” and “tandem bicycle.” Now, which is the one you need when you and just one other person want to cruise around crashing viewing parties?

Leah was never taught about apologizing as a child. Or, rather, she was taught that apologizing is something that teachers and butchers and drivers do after they’ve wronged her. If she’s accused of wrongdoing, it’s a mistake, and she should shrug and glare at whomever will listen.

That chicken works for the government. Did it not seem like the chicken was always positioned within optimal audio recording distance of whoever was talking?

In a panic, Lace pencil-shaded her face onto an innocent man’s torso just before show began. She did so, of course, to distract from the fact that her recurring nightmare about showing up for WTA in a long-sleeve bedazzled T-shirt and nothing else had finally come true.

Haley’s outfit is the result of a compromise she and a reasonable clawed creature made during its attack on her. Her burgundy top was a turtleneck a few hours ago, but then Haley was attacked by a very reasonable monster who also happens to collect velvet. They reached an understanding.

Becca and Amber will be on all seasons of The Bachelor from now on. This seems entirely possible, right? They’ve already invested so much in clothing they can wear literally nowhere else. And Becca seems like the kind of girl who just “hangs out” until forcibly removed from a location.

Caila being the next Bachelorette is the result of an ABC/Disney tie-in. I’m ashamed that it took me so long to figure this one out: Caila is just all of the Disney princesses melted together. Bluebirds nipped together that jumpsuit she wore tonight, and her toy-maker dad isn’t so much her dad as he is her Gepetto.

There is a Bachelor Mount Rushmore, and Ben is on it. That compliment Harrison gave Ben—that was real. Of course, it’s not so much a “mount” as it is the side of a gas station that a fan graffiti’d, but let’s not quibble about where we get our artistic renderings of Jake Pavelka, you know?

Photos: Courtesy of ABC

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